We are embarking on the season when this two year amazing spiritual journey that I am on began. It was two years ago this spring that Jeff and I were giddy about expecting our third child which shortly thereafter became a two year whirlwind of twins, triplets, loss, and homeschooling. These events have done nothing short of spinning me into a million knots through fear, joy, confusion, anger, hurt, sorrow, despair, frustration ... the usual day in parenting, right?!? ;o)
When I feel my earth shaking, I go straight to books. I love words, communication, deep thought. Coupled with the Bible and sound advice, I feel like books can get me through anything. These are the books that have been pushing me or I am hoping to push me through this season in life.
Currently I am re-reading One Thousand Gifts and first time reading Good and Angry. These are two amazing books that have the potential to be life changing.
This God Journey business is so amazing yet so challenging. I know he is using each of these events to mold me into the mother, wife, and daughter of his that he wants me to be. As I try so hard and seek so deeply, I fail so often. And, man, what a deflating, defeating experience. This current leg in this journey has me on my knees daily and knee deep in confusion and frustration. The name of this leg is Emma and homeschooling. Though Ems has been a journey all her own these past six years, this new leg as taken on new depths and proportions I never imagined. This easily fits in my top three of most difficult life moments. I believe this is because this is not just about training my child but it is about God training his child, me.
Despite the deep frustration and deflation I have been feeling during this leg, I am hopeful. I feel that our growth is at a new level and I sense change in me and Emma around the corner. I was brought to Lamentations 3:20-27 once again. This verse is such a verse of such depth for me. Verses 20 and 21 coupled with 22 on really reached the depths of my soul during our loss of Jeremiah. Now, the verses 22 and on rejuvenate me in this quest with Emma.
"The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning."
I am so grateful that I serve a God who allows me to start new each morning despite how miserably I failed the day before. It brings such comfort to this flawed mother to know that his faithfulness never ends and he won't give up on me.
Hopefully, the growth that has been budding will soon transform me and my first born into the change we so greatly desire--well, maybe I just desire it now. She doesn't know yet how much she, too, desires or rather needs this change in character! ;o)
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